Shouting At The Blank, Uncaring Face of the World

Sometimes I feel overwhelmed by the world, which I know is merely down to how I perceive it but I do feel, in my own way, lonely. It is loneliness in the little ways, no one rings me unless it is work related, no one merely asks after me anymore.

I know that being married, working full time and being a father takes up time but I still wish that people would relate to me as an individual. It is selfish to feel this way, and it passes but when it is here, it feels overwhelming. I know that people do ring me just to say hello, but they are busy with their own lives and that what I am feeling is irrational, but it feels real to me.

My life is equal parts tragedy and triumph, and sometimes I wonder how much more I can take, I am trying to take control of my life, to be all things to all men and yet it seems so futile when you are the only one who bothers trying to do anything, and then, when you stop.

You are criticised for missing out.

Sometimes I wish that I were more of a bastard, that I hadn't been quite as pleasant growing up, I might have avoided some of the obligations and frustrations that plague my existence. But then I wouldn't have had Scarlett and she, above all else, is what keeps me going. I love her more than life itself, and she is, in so many ways, the best thing I have, or will ever have achieved. My biggest fear is that I will let her down in some way, which is why I keep pushing forward, why I am looking for a better career because I want her to have more than I did, not that I lacked anything bar the material things but that was no one's fault.

I cry sometimes, I am so scared of disappointing her, of disappointing anyone really. I am struggling and I cannot talk to anyone because it would mean admitting that I have a problem coping, and who will look after things? I am thirty four years old and I am supposed to take care of things myself, but how I do cope? No one tells you to cope, do they?(She just walked in and I hurriedly wiped the tears from my face and smiled at her, she doesn't deserve to suffer seeing me like this)

If someone figures it all out, I hope they tell someone, or write it down because to be truthful, i do not have a clue. All I can do is keep going, keep fighting until either the world gives up or until I break. Fortunately I am going away camping next weekend, which is always a welcome break from the world where I go cold turkey from the internet and even now I am worrying about the numbers. Sorry if you stumbled upon this, thinking it would be about politics or culture, but I won't be linking to this one. Just wanted to shout it out to the blank uncaring face of the world.