1. Mentioning your girlfriend/boyfriend/wife etc in every post/breath is endearing at first, because we have all been in love, but when it becomes the internet equivalent of a nervous tic, it is FUCKING BORING. Seriously, there is no one secret to happy relationships, because it is about negotiations between two individuals(or more- giggedy) and sometimes there are misunderstandings, there are always emotions and you know what, if I talk to you, and all you have to talk about is your relationship - 'well, I remember when I first got laid'. Babies are the exception, because having a baby is although not a miracle, is fairly fucking close especially when you struggle to have one or lose one. Babies blow your world apart, they do not repair relationships, they are not distractions from the gaping void when you look in the mirror and as long as you know that the commitment is for life, and that you think about how and when you raise your child, you're golden. Its great being a precocious fucker like me, with a thirteen year old and a seventeen year old, seeing all my friends now having babies. Friends' babies are awesome because you can give them back.
That's the secret - we tell our single friends how awesome marriage and babies are because WE WANT YOU TO SUFFER AS WE HAVE. As you revelled in adventure and drowned yourself in nubile flesh, whilst we sat there watching television, eating Doritos AND NOT HAVING SEX, we plotted our vengeance. It wasn't that we didn't like you nor did you rub our noses in it, but it is something that married people do to their single friends, like a genetic imperative. I have broken the vow all Married Men and Women take to reveal this, but I cannot live with the lie anymore. You know blow jobs, they stop - I didnt tell you that the time, I wanted to but there was a married guy with a Dragunov and he had a clean shot that would have turned my skull to mush. Sorry.
2. Relationships. Some people would be more dignified if they stuck to masturbation.
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